Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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