Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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