Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
