I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
