I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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