My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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