He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
