I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
