last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
