Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
