You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
