im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
