I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
