I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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