I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
