U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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