I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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