i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
