I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
