On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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