This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
