i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
