woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
