Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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