I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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