Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
