butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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