So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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