so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
