Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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