My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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