At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
