I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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