i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
