ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
im holly from the hills drunk
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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