So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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