Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
