Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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