"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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