should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
