Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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