Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
