my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Come on in and take your pants off
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