she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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