Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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