i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
