Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
