my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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