The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think my fart just growled at me.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
