he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
